Jan 24, 2016

Here is my whole mental health story. You guys can post your mental health story's also if you want. But anyway here is mine. Obviously I don't expect you guys to read all of it, but if ya want to, here ya go.


I think to a extent everyone thinks there weird or different. But that mentality (I guess you could call it) has been with me forever. Even before everything got f----- up with my parents. I was a weird kid. My dad says I never had any imagination. Like never. Didn't like to play imaginary games or whatever the f--- kids typically do. I had and always will have motor skill problems. Hated and always will hate sports, drawing, all that motor skill building s---. That right there always and still does make me feel different. But back then I didn't know what it was. Or h--- up to recently I didn't know what it was. Never really even thought about what it was, just so focused on not looking stupid, trying desperately (and often failing) to keep up. I never would even say "I can't do it" or "I just need more help" it was always just listening to lectures and saying the usual "I'm paying attention, I'm trying" type s---. I can even remember being talked down to becuase i couldn't tie my shoes or for christ sake even put jeans and a shirt on the right way. That s--- was probably the beginning of me developing my "f--- everyone else" mentality. I mean it was either "well I am just below everybody" or "why do I give a f--- about them? But usually as a younger kid I just kinda tried to awkwardly get through it.

But I was odd in more ways than just motor skills. I always (and still do) flap my hands when I get excited. My parents always said I was gonna fly away one day lol. I would start crying in the middle of the night because i was afraid a robber or something would come in my window and k--- me. That actually went on until like 6th grade now that i think about it. Or as a kid I had this weird f---ing fear of birds. I would freak the absolute f--- out whenever they like fly down in a pack or whatever it's called. I'm pretty alright with birds now i guess lol. As far as friends and s--- go i usually had one best friend at every school i went to. I would go over to there house semi regularly (some more than others). But i waa never popular. I was always obsessed with something which probably helped me cope. At one point it was space then it was video games, there was always something. As far as school goes I always read really well. Which kinda made me feel good back then cause I s----d at all the other s---. So I kinda lived as the quirky kid with a few friends up until I was 8 years old.

At that age, my dad got caught with kiddie p--- at work. Thank f---ing god I was at school when the police came. I think my dad spent like a day in jail but nothing more than that. My grandfather had a lot of money so my dad never did any jail time for it. He claims it was his ocd were he downloaded a p--- pack (I guess you could call it that just sounds so f---ing akward lol) that had a tiny bit (guess he likes it tiny) (okay that wasn't funny) of child p--- and was mostly just regular p--- but he couldn't just delete the kiddie p--- becuase the pack would be complete and his ocd would go crazy. (He hasn't been diagnosed with ocd but from personal expirence I can say he is definetly on the ocd spectrum or some s---) I actually believe that story in all honesty. He definitely had a weird obsession with sex but I just could never see him liking kids like that. I mean, the pack barely bad any child p--- and he passed a polygraph and he definetly is weird with ocd. But whether he liked kids or not isn't the point. It completely f----- up everything.

My mom and dad broke up, I wasn't legally allowed to see my dad for I think like 8 months? I honestly don't remember. But I ended up living back and forth with my mom and grandparents back and forth. The reason for the back and forth was that my mom fought and got back together with her boyfriend constantly for a few years. Moving in and out. It was f----- up for sure, and it took a toll on me for sure. Having to deal with the fighting, my dads situation, etc. I moved from a catholic school to a s-----y one in my moms boyfriends neighborhood. I don't think I had a best friend there but I could be wrong. Not once did I see a friend after school though. That was third grade. The next school year we moved in with my aunt. Eventually about half way through the year my mom and aunt/uncle had a huge fight and we moved back in with my grandparents. I then went to school in the s-----y school by there house. The first year I was there was pretty decent. But the next year (5th grade) was a hard one. I had this friend who wasn't too great of a influence I guess you could say. We would ding dong ditch and eventually started bullying this kid. God I feel terrible about that now. We called him gay and made a YouTube video about him and got in trouble. I got in trouble for bullying a couple kids later that year. I don't think I ever really... I don't know. I want to say I never meant to do anything bad but I don't know if that's true. But yeah that kid definelty was a bad influence. I remember I went to one of the kids I bullied house and apologized.

So after that, my parents decided I should go live with my dad and his girlfriend (who was my moms boyfriends ex wife.. Yeah lol) at the time (I think) since there school district was nice. And yeah it was nice. I wasn't the only white kid anymore. I'm not racist or anything but being the only white kid feels weird. The home life was also very different. My mom was like my pal. I watched TV with her and we were like friends kinda I guess. I mean she still acted like a mom to a point but we were definelty closer to being friends than me and my dad. My stepmom (then my dad's girlfriend) I never really had any type of "pal" type relationship with. They acted more like, traditional parents I guess than my mom. Since I didn't have much of a "pal" relationship with my dad and step mom I retreated to my room all the time. I mean, I had done that before but never to the extent of what I started doing it. It was like I never had any social contact. Just a video game. At school I got into less trouble though I did I have a few bumps in the road with that. I had another new best friend who was kinda questionable but it never got as bad as 5th grade was. I saw my mom on the weekends and he lived with her boyfriend and they were fighting and moving out less (though it still happened). The isolation live style probably didn't help anything. Again I had like one friend I saw after school like always. I started seeing a counselor becuase I couldn't talk to my dad about his child p--- incident. Like they asked me about it and I just wouldn't say anything. I just felt weirdly anxious. The consuler visits were kinda nice in the beginning but eventually we just stopped having s--- to talk about.

I went on with the isolation lifestyle pretty chill with being alone really. But around 8th I had a breakdown. I started getting really depressed. Started fantasizing about a drug addiction or suicide just as a cry for help. I never would have killed myself, it was always just a cry for help. I guess during this my and sometimes before it my ocd would try and find ways to cope and that got bad sometimes. Like I would spend hours researching phone brands cause i had to have the brands the same. And I had some other weird obessions. I also would get anxiety in some social situations. Participatory anxiety was always my biggest problem. Worrying about the what if's. When I got comfortable in a social situation I was actually kinda too hyper but before hand I would worry endlessly and have anxiety. The depression got so bad we went back to the consumer I hadn't seen in months and he recommended I see a psychiatrist. So quite a few months go by (with a hospital visit for anxiety in between) and we go in to the evaluation. The lady said she thought I had ocd with worrying constantly and depression. So a month goes by and they give me Zoloft. And that kinda helped. Helped me feel better with depression. Didn't do much with anxiety really. But I still felt lonely since I barely left my room. I felt like my dad and step mom (s mom especially) were stuck up and didn't show enough emotion towards me. They kinda had a tough love attitude with the hole situation and didn't really show me much empathy through all the mental health problems. I think they did legitimately care but they just didn't show it in a healthy way. My isolation continued and it just kept going, the same routine. Get up, go to school, talk to nobody, go home talk to nobody, see my mom on the weekend and then repeat. I had a few more breakdowns afterwards and the only change really was that my dosage of Zoloft would go up. They also gave me a secondary anti-anxiety pill. None of them would help much so they kept switching them. I just couldn't have a relationship step mom and dad. I just flat out didn't f---ing like them. I hated there personality, I thought they were s--- up etc.And they just let me stay in my room all day. I always have had a different thinking process. I feel everything should be fair, and thats why thinks like gender roles and certain abstract culture things confuse me. I had a obsession thay i had aspergers for awhile and eventually after a psych evaluation they said i didnt have it. I just hated all the other kids and people at school. I hated there whole mentality. It just seemed like such fake bs to me. It is just so hard for me to get the social culture i was in, always saying the wrong thing, being offense, disrespectful, or looking stupid. So naturally i developed a "f--- them mentality".


Now, I still have depression problems, still have anxiety problems, but somewhat to a lesser degree. I honestly just want to have a girlfriend I can feel completely comfortable with and I will be socially satisfied. I have a couple friends. One I Skype with a lot and another I text and see after school occasionally. But I'm still lonely. Like I said having that one girlfriend that is also a best friend would be all I need. Someone who thinks similarly to how I do. Recently, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. I feel so sorry for her and try to be empathic with her. See has just always had it so hard. My dad and step mom I still don't talk to much though I have gotten better with my dad recently. I do love him definetly, he just lets his ADHD absorb him and s--- and acts stupid sometimes. But anyway, now I just try and cope with my anxiety and depression and hope to find a girl someday and I will be satisfied. I definelty could afford to see friends more also. People tell me I should try and go talk and chill with my dad and step mom more but I just don't fully know how. I probably could with my dad easier but he is at work a lot. I have also been having weird mood swings lately. Where I just hate everything and everyone and those last for a few hours usually. I don't think I would ever hurt myself. I have done stupid s--- as a cry for help during the mood swings. But really I'm decent I guess. So yeah its a work in progress right now but I am hoping I will make it and live a happy life.

 

Jan 24, 2016

Can you put this into more paragraphs or something? That second one is like a page long with no breaks.

 

Jan 24, 2016

i broke it up some

 

Jan 24, 2016

@BrandonB1415 This is essentially my life as well. Except without the high school part as well; I had problems with popularity too, I was esentially popular in elementary school but that popularity faded and I have been place to place trying to fit in until now. I feel like I have finally found my place and it only took me 23 or so years of failed attempts which still haunt me to this day.

Also Zoloft made me fat, I take Abilify but I think my body is building up an immunity to it; that or it's messing up my mental functions.

 

Jan 24, 2016

Read bits and pieces. I mean you sorta are imaginative with all that weird Bullet Brandon stuff you do.

And having a fear of birds is normal. I'm in the same boat.

Your dad having child pron is a bit suss tho tbh

 

Jan 24, 2016

I see where you're coming from. Alot of my classmates (especially girls) have called me odd or too quiet, but I've always felt like I'm just acting how I am. After school I can spend hours in my bedroom looking up at the ceiling fan & muttering "k--- yourself" if I get called out by someone at school for being "weird" or whatever. I spend hours, listening to angry music, just thinking about it. It's hard for me to really handle not fitting in sometimes, but I'm an introvert so I got used to it. I sometimes wish I had a different out look on life but I really just can't, I'm just like this, but you have to deal with the cards you're dealt you know?

 

Jan 24, 2016

Zoloft has mostly been pretty chill for me. Sorry it's f----- up for you. Has it helped at all?

Haha yeah I guess bullet Brandon is imaginative

Yeah I do know. Have to find a way to be okay in the situation

 

Jan 24, 2016

Yeah, somewhat... I don't notice a difference in myself since I still stem and get obsessive thoughts but I am able to control myself but yeah, somewhat since it doesn't eliminate the stemming and other issues.

Zoloft made me calm but it also made me gain 50 pounds or so. (I was originally 160lbs.) I'm currently trying to get the weight lost but that's very hard to do.

 

Jan 24, 2016

Personally it helped with depression but yeah obsessing it didn't do much to help. Sorry about the weight, i didn't even know that happened. Also, stimming? You mean like ocd stimming or aspergers stimming?

 

Jan 24, 2016

I don't have any diagnosed mental health problems but your social situations when you were in school sort of mirror what I went through. More so high school in that I kept to myself and only had a small circle of friends.

 

Jan 24, 2016

A mixture of both, I try hard not to flap but it's based on my brain which I'm aware of but have no control over; not conscious things, subconscious things like feelings and emotions that excite certain sectors that shouldn't be excitable.

I don't know how to get rid of the energy built up by the brain, and I've destroyed alot of relationships because of this energy but stemming is the only way for me that works, but only in private because nobody wants to see you hit yourself in public.

 

Jan 24, 2016

You flap when your excited? Me too. I can usually control it in public but when I am alone I flap all the time. I honestly don't think it's a bad thing. Just as long as you can control it in public. I have never hit myself or anything. So I guess you have aspergers? I don't think Zoloft does anything for that stimming. Ocd stimming Zoloft is supposed to help I think though

 

Jan 24, 2016

I also took medications for depression but I stopped that because it was dulling me emotionally to the point where I couldn't make music.

Asperger's/High-functioning autism. I don't know what the difference is but I don't feel like I'm completely hopeless, just very awkward.

Want to add this; I've apparently been in a foster home when I was 5. My dad told me I was locked up in the bathroom for a lot of the time. I don't know if it's true or not but it explains the anger and the inability to remember anything past when I lived in Long Beach. I have a mental block that's unintentionally fueling my frustration.

 

Jan 24, 2016

 

Jan 24, 2016

Technically it's just level 1 autism now. Yeah there really just the same thing. Technically the term aspergers and hfa don't exist anymore. I almost feel I'm like, extra immune to medication. All the s--- I take does nothing. I am now on my third anxiety pill (seroquel). They don't want to give me anything addictive becuase of my age but I think something strong could be a reliever. Hoping to get perscribe a benzo my next appointment since nothing else is doing it. Sorry about your frustration and mental block. I am not sure what to say really but try and find a way to be content with it

 

Jan 24, 2016

d---, it feels like I found my long lost brother; I never thought there would be anybody else like me.

I am content with it but it still persists sadly; I dislike that it persists but there's nothing I can do with it.

 

Jan 24, 2016

I technically have a half brother I have never met (I was a sperm donor baby) so who knows lol.

Yeah I kinda get that. It's hard to just live and not obsesses over s---

 

Jan 24, 2016

Yea but that's just weird though. Maybe don't do that type of weird s--- and people won't call you weird.

 

Jan 24, 2016

I hope you get better

 

Jan 24, 2016