Serious Advice: My Gf's Mum Made Her Break Up With Me

Started by Koke, Mar 19, 2020, in Life Add to Reading List

  1. Koke
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    Mar 19, 2020
    While the forum is dead af maybe some of you can give me advice on my relationship.

    So I been dating this girl for over a year and a half, I'm 25 and she is 23 (FYI I'm white from UK and she's Sri Lankan but been in the UK since she was a lil kid)

    Since we met the whole relationship has been pretty much perfect. Great connection, chemistry, barely argued, never been close to breaking up.. Sure there's been a few differences but no 2 people are the same. By and large though it's honestly been amazing and we have been best friends and lovers in that time period, even went on holiday together for a week last year

    This all changed 7 days ago when she finally told her mum about me. Now I kinda knew that her mum was controlling and a little crazy, but deep down I thought she would accept me once she had met me and seen what I was like. My gf was worried but also said this too. At the end of the day I have treated her daughter with nothing but respect, love and we've both been sooo happy together

    So my girl told her last Friday evening and her first question was what I did for work and if I have been to university, and once my girlfriend told her she said that she must end it with me or end up getting disowned.. At first I was like holy s--- that's extreme, but give it a few days hopefully she will cool off and change her mind.. Nope. I told her that your mum will try and play on ur worst fears and get in your head but u can't listen because it's bs and we know what we have. When it comes to her mum tho she's obviously easily influenced, her mums been controlling, manipulating and overbearing as f--- her entire life. The very next day the messages started to feel a little less hopeful and more in the direction of the mother's mouth.

    The mum says I don't have a good enough job, I'm not educated enough and this will be a problem in the future and I won't be able to support my gf. Now I know this is ridiculous because my job currently is pretty good, I'm on an upward trajectory in life but the mum has said "it's not stable" and that what I do "might not even be a thing".. Bare in mind I get paid more than her parents do now at their jobs, and more than my current gf (although she has a degree and I don't)

    Her mum is saying in future our salaries will be unequal and I won't be able to support her and that basically I'm going to fail in life. My gf claimed she backed me up and says she loves and believes in me still but cannot convince her mum and so she has no choice. Her mum got the family against her and she's essentially been on lock down for a week with all of them saying the same thing and it's brainwashing her. Over the weekend there was some glimmer of hope but effectively she said it was over on Tuesday. I just feel like it's so f----- up cos I haven't even been given the chance to meet her family, and I've not been given the chance to see her either because her mum literally has her on house arrest. I've been talking to her a little just to try and see her but last night she said her mum went crazy and asked her if she's been talking to me and accusing her of going back on her decision, then spent the next morning crying about it! Wtf?

    Anyway I just feel mad angry and heartbroken tbh cos it was going amazing and just cos her mum doesn't approve of my current status in life she has said dump me or end up getting disowned, and I haven't had the chance to do s--- to back myself or defend our relationship. My gf is so terrified of her mum she is just being obedient to it. It sucks cos I know she really does love me and she still tells me this, but is saying that it's over and there's nothing I can do to change it cos her mum and family are stubborn

    So question is what do I do? I'm hoping to meet her soon to try and reprogram her mind a little, then hopefully get to meet her mum and try change their minds. Appreciate any advice in these lost times

    Edit: sorry long as fu k post
     
    Dec 5, 2022
  2. Antman
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    Antman No Cap

    Mar 19, 2020
    Ngl cracked up when you ended up making more then the parents and they busy critiquing you

    she’s in her 20s like that and is chained down? It’s tough dude but at the end of The day if she loves you, she’ll find a way back to you no matter what and that’s what’s most important. Parents can’t stop that n-----. g--- g---
     
    Dec 5, 2022
  3. Xmipod
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    Mar 19, 2020
    Bust in her

    Theyll be dealing with you for 18 years
     
    Dec 5, 2022
  4. Xmipod
    Posts: 10,390
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    Mar 19, 2020
    No in all honesty could you both afford to move in together?
     
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  5. Judas Black
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    Judas Black The Dark Vegan

    Mar 19, 2020
    Are you sure she's telling you the truth about her "mom" making her break up with you?

    this all seems kinda fishy to me, maybe this is all her and she's looking for a copout
     
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  6. Enigma
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    Enigma Civil liberties > Police safety

    Mar 20, 2020
    At the end of the day, she’s a grown a--- woman & has to find her independence. Sacrificing her own happiness to please her mother/family is no way to live. If she cares about you & wants to be with you, she should be with you. Period. You need to reiterate that to her. Tell her she’s not a child, she’s a grown adult fully capable of making her own decisions & life choices. If she can’t do that then as much as it sucks but you should probably move on. It’s not fair for you to be sticking around waiting for someone who’s 23 years old to make decisions for themselves.
     
    Dec 5, 2022
  7. Guma
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    Guma Szczęsny Król!

    Mar 20, 2020
    Forget about her and if you are really in upward trajectory some girl will come to you in no time. Easily. Don’t stress it.
     
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  8. Koke
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    Mar 20, 2020
    Dude this is the thing, we have a 2 week vacation booked for next month, all accommodation was booked a couple days before she told her mum.. Had plans to move in together by the summer, I know it sounds unbelievable (cos it is) but s--- was legit amazing
    Yeah deep down I know this, in her case the fear of abandonment and shame is too much for her to cope with. Sucks man but I can't force her to grow up, and hurts cos s----s been taken away from me and feeling like a waste of time. She was the first proper girl I ever loved fr
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2020
    Dec 5, 2022
  9. DKC
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    DKC hank trill

    Mar 20, 2020
    Can't give you any better advice than this. I'm sorry @Koke that's a s-----y situation. But yeah I'd just be honest and tell her you wanna be with her but are hurt that she folded that quickly. I'd be blunt and say something like "If you truly want to be with me, there's nothing stopping you."
     
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  10. Lil Squeed
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    Lil Squeed French Montana Stan

    Mar 20, 2020
    have you tried

    banging her mum
     
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  11. Worm
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    Worm Big Perm Big Worm

    Mar 20, 2020
    wow what a c----. She should have lied and told her that you went to university. What do you do for work?
     
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  12. Koke
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    Mar 22, 2020
    In hindsight that would've been smart lol, I work as a customer service agent for air Canada at the airport
     
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  13. Detroit24
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    Mar 22, 2020
    I have a controlling, negative, judgmental, over-bearing mother. Unfortunately the decision will have to come from your gf. You have done everything positive that you can do.

    independence is the best result from that style of parenting unfortunately. The more financial independent your gf can become, the more independent choices she can make.

    sounds to me the mother maybe wants her to get with the same cultural background as their family unfortunately.

    it’s sad when parents have that attitude, but there is nothing you can... Decision is hers. If the mother has a negative perspective on you without meeting you. That sounds like a bad recipe. She could be pleasantly surprised but if she is close minded that that won’t be good.

    she has to be the one to make the decision to stay with you. If that causes issues with her family then so be it. If not your better moving on then dealing with the headaches that will happen by having family like that.

    It sucks having parents like that, your gf is in a tough situation. But you shouldn’t have to be hostage either
     
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  14. Worm
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    Worm Big Perm Big Worm

    Mar 22, 2020
    oh I thought you were gonna say you were a gas station attendant or something lol. That's not a bad job, especially if you're young.
     
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  15. Australia
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    Mar 22, 2020
    trying to date into a sri lankan family sounds s--- from the get go lmao. they will always hold their traditional mysogony/r--- views and will always always hold their cricket team more highly than you (and their daughter too for that matter)
     
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  16. Ordinary Joel
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    Ordinary Joel Found a new way to flow

    Mar 23, 2020
    Backwards and old fashioned mentality from the parents.

    In times like these you gotta keep trying to support her so she has some autonomy from her parents. Surprised it's taken so long for you to be brought up but that prolly boils down to her anxiety in bringing the topic up in her household I guess.
     
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  17. JulnHT
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    Mar 23, 2020
    I never understand this kind of mentality from parents.

    I mean when your son or your daughter are under 18 then i can understand that there is some kind of protecting mentality. Probably i would do the same.

    But how can you give your child this kind of orders when she is a grown up human who need to live her own life and make her own experience and desicions.

    Are you still able to see her somehow?
    This will cost a lot of balls but maybe you should go to her parents house and confront the mother and ask her if she would talk with you to clear things up
     
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  18. Alchemist34
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    Alchemist34 DO MY HEAD

    Mar 29, 2020
    You're asking advice for this situation on a forum where almost everyone was born and raised in progressive western cultures. All you're gonna get is "they're backwards she's an independent woman if she really loves you she'd ignore her family". They're technically right but but they don't really understand how different the mindset is and how important family is in more conservative cultures.

    Your gf was raised from birth believing that life is family from cradle to grave. Even after marriage the two families just become one. What job/education/family you have is important because they want guaranteed stability and safety for their kids. That's why they're such an overbearing pain in the a---. Progressive western cultures on the other hand are all about individualism. Once you're of age you can just say aight cheers for raising me im boutta head out i'll be in touch tho love ya mom xoxo.

    Family having control over you is inconceivable in western mindsets so automatically it's "wow her mom is a crazy b---- she's been manipulating and gaslighting her all her life. I wish she could see the red flags. That's textbook narcissism. But my gf is easily influenced since she was brainwashed from birth she can't really think for herself. Sigh I guess it's up to me, Captain of the Enlightened World to convince her that her mom is a sociopath. But I can't seem to convince her to leave her family and come to me. I thought she loved me? Was it all a lie? I've only been dating a year and a half but I can't fathom breaking up because I don't want to face the dark, lonely void of being alone again. How do I reprogram her mind a lil?"

    Truth is why would she risk losing her family for a guy she's been dating a year or two? Let's be honest here how likely is it that you guys would spend the rest of your lives together anyway? you're both in your 20s. You'll probably end up breaking up after 3 years anyway. Then what

    Even if she did say ok f--- my family and stay with you, do you really want that sort of pressure on you? She left her family for you. Is "Koke" from S80 that she's been dating a year and a half and doesn't have a degree but has a job that's "currently" "pretty good" and is in an "upwards trajectory", worth risking your family for? Is the love, connection and dicking she get's from you so good that it's worth her losing her family so she can spend the next 60 years or so together with Koke from s80 until she dies?
     
    Dec 5, 2022
  19. Australia
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    Mar 30, 2020
    yo read up to here and 100% agree. like go on sectionghanjiriver80diseases.com if you want a real answer OP.but in regards to the rest of alch's post he's pretty spot on. though I would still say why in f---'s name would you want to date a punjab? f--- me....Tandoori chicken is an A1 dish, but not worth marrying into
     
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