Oct 16, 2021

#COTI is ruining my life.

Recently I (26) started dating wayyyy out of my usual type. A good Christian girl (22) with ambitions for a family, a steady income, a young marriage, and sweater-vest autumn family pictures. She loves to quilt, knit, and make candles. She's head over heels for me, idk why, I think she's kind of going through a bad boy phase and I'm the closest thing she can find to a badass cause I have arm tattoos and I brood a lot, idk.

She's been bugging me for a couple weeks to come meet her family. This week she gave really good head and it made me realize I have some genuine, serious feelings for this girl. So I was like "ya know what ok." She had me come to a family dinner. Fine, free dinner? h--- yeah. I'm having a really nice time meeting her family and talking to them. They seemed like super cool people, living the hamptom dream. Hampton house, hampton spouse, hampton blouse, hampton mouth. I was talking to her dad, who owns a construction company. He seemed hella cool. But then her mom joined us, and that's when problems began.

She comes at me all passive-aggressive like "oh I'm sure you've had LOTS of girlfriends," trying to find out if I'm a manwhore. I had been listening to a lot of COTI lately, so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"I don't bash woman, but I'll throw a b---- in a sleeper. I been this way since Rakim was kicking a speaker“


*Oooooohhhh s---.*

Her mom's eyes go wide, eyebrows s---t up to the f---ing ceiling. Her dad gives a slow upwards nod with furrowed eyebrows like they do in those fancy tv shows when someone says something stupid, like I just did.

I start sweating. I legitimately like this girl and I just said that I would throw her in a sleeper. There's no way these people would no that's the best compliment I can give a girl. God f---ing dammit.

But it gets way, way worse.

We're eating dinner later, and suddenly the sweet little granny slaps her forehead with goes all old lady "Oh nooo!" Everyone goes all quiet and this poor little lady stands up all distressed. "I forgot the crescent rolls!"

My instincts were triggered. I kicked my chair out from under me in my haste to get up. I jumped onto the table and sprinted to where granny stood, my feet flinging gravy and mashed potatoes and baked beans all over my girlfriend's family. I build up speed and flying sidekick granny full on in the face, screaming:

"COTI ALBUM OF THE YEAR f--- DRAKE !"

I fell on top of her with my head in between her boobs, as if Joss Whedon himself directed it.

Needless to say that's where the evening ended for me. I apologized and shuffled towards the door. Couldn't even look my GF in the eye.

Her dad escorted me to the door. "Why don't you get going home, my man?" He said. He put a paternal hand on my shoulder and guided me outside. "I like you man, but I think we just gotta give it some time." I'm like yeah man I understand, I really like your daughter, I think I was just nervous. He looks me in the eye and says,

"She likes you too. In fact, I think she loves you like 50 Cent loves Kidd kidd." That's when I realized her dad was Lloyd Banks. This was Lloyd Banks secret white family.

 

Oct 16, 2021

You need to channel your creativity into a money making opportunity bro. You're wasted here!

 

Oct 16, 2021

Hahahahaha

 

Oct 16, 2021

“I fell on top of her with my head in between her boobs, as if Joss Whedon himself directed it.”

 

Oct 16, 2021

That's what made me give the like to this post lmfao

 

Oct 16, 2021

But did you f--- her mom or nah

 

Oct 17, 2021

Cmon man had to do it like a real muchacho

 

Oct 17, 2021

LMAO

 

Oct 17, 2021

 

Oct 17, 2021

That plot twist is gold