Where does my respect lie?

Started by Mimi, Nov 5, 2018, in Life Add to Reading List

  1. Mimi
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    Mimi the art of doing nothing

    Nov 5, 2018
    K, so I´ll try to make this simple

    - my bf is my manager
    - I work in a hostel that has a bar that is open to the the public
    - we have local drunks that prop the bar up
    - one of them was taking pictures of some chick without her knowledge or consent (two people in power positions noticed and ´´called him out´´ but he´s still allowed back cos hes just a simpleton, no harm meant (its f---ing creepy, i feel creeped out)
    - on another occasion he came up behind to massage me, I laughed and said no while moving away, his excuse was he see´s us at work as family so it should be okay, I find it disrespectful to me, my boyfriend and our relationship to cross that boundary of physical contact
    - another older dude was rubbing up the shoulders of my colleague cos she had a singlet on, he was making comments about her being nice and ´´naked enough´´ again very disrespectful since he knows her husband who works at the same place
    - the stupid creep who takes pictures of our customers without their knowledge then told me he was prank calling the reception while I was working and running about trying to do work. The pathetic alco found it funny.

    unfortunately this is just s--- that us females have to put up with at work and we cant really complain to anyone about it


    But my real issue is with me making friends with dudes outside of work and my bf not being happy with it, not wanting me to go out for drinks with them and generally I guess feeling insecure with me hanging out with other dudes but being fine with me feeling harassed and creeped out with drunks at work.

    Being that he is in a power position to tell these creeps to f--- off but doesn´t / will happily allow us females to have unwanted physical contact is it okay for me to basically to say f--- IT and go hang out with dudes who I feel comfortable with, and if they flirt with me or whatevs, I´m consenting to it and it will give me a boost in confidence and not feel creeped out and disgusted like I need a shower.

    Or should I not further my friendship with these guys and put up with my boyfriend allowing creeps at work?
     
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  2. Enigma
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    Enigma Civil liberties > Police safety

    Nov 5, 2018
    Your bf telling you who you can & can’t hang out with is already a red light. Him being insecure isn’t an excuse to control your life. If you guys are dating, he should trust you, period. As far as him being ok with dudes harassing you & other female employees, he sounds like a pretty s-----y manager (no offense lol). Like, yeah he should care that drunk idiots are harrassing you because you’re his gf but even if you weren’t, he should still care because he’s the manager. It’s his job to stand up for his employees — especially when it comes to something like harassment.
     
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  3. FiveOh1
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    FiveOh1 Fallout

    Nov 5, 2018
    Pretty much what Enigma said. Guy friends are perfectly okay, and way better than scumbags at bars. And it’s definitely not okay for the bf to allow the creeps to do that stuff. Regardless of him wanting you to have guy friends or not.
     
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  4. 6ix9ineWithThe9
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    Nov 5, 2018
    L.
     
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  5. Lil Squeed
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    Lil Squeed French Montana Stan

    Nov 5, 2018
    I feel like this scenario is more common than it should be tbh
     
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  6. DKC
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    DKC admin of SXN80, notorious marxist messageboard

    Nov 5, 2018
    Yeah, pretty much what Enigma said.

    I don't know your bf obviously but like with most things in relationships I'd just be honest with him about the way you feel about both things, cuz it's definitely not OK to be sexually harassed at work and if you're in a relationship you should be able to trust your SO to hang with people of the opposite sex.

    And you never know, could be that something happened to him in a past relationship that makes him feel insecure about you hanging with new guy friends (though that still doesn't make that controlling nature OK, but by talking about it you might be able to work through it and figure out where it stems from).
     
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  7. Worm
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    Worm Big Perm Big Worm

    Nov 6, 2018
    having your bf as your boss is your first mistake. I used to work in a restaurant/bar so I get it, it's easy to meet someone in that industry, but you have to see that person EVERY day. There's no escaping it. Get in a fight and having to work a shift with them is terrible, not to mention he has authority over you. But the fact that he doesn't care if some pervert is harassing you because he doesn't want to lose his business tells you all you need to know where this is going

    Also disagree with everyone saying the bf is insecure you're going out with other guys. I mean he could be, depends on the situation. If you're hanging out with guys from work in a group setting or someone you grew up with that's totally fine. If you're getting random guys walking in the bar asking you to go out and grab a drink with them, then I can see the cause for concern (I've seen that hostel movie). No guy over 16 wants to be just friends with a girl unless they're gay or @dna hits

    but TLDR; your bf is a p----
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2018
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  8. OwI
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    OwI I was riding on a bike on a very late night

    Nov 6, 2018
    Enigma as usual tryna break homes smfh! I would suggest you to post this thread to your boyfriends ears directly and see what replies he comes up first! He might just not know your STRUGGLE!! Talk to him
     
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  9. 6ix9ineWithThe9
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    Nov 6, 2018
     
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  10. Lil Squeed
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    Lil Squeed French Montana Stan

    Nov 6, 2018
    dump him, punch one of the creeps, and thot it up
     
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  11. RG9
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    RG9

    Nov 6, 2018
    To put it bluntly: If your bf doesn’t care about your feelings of being harassed, and wants to control who you go out with, then he’s not the one
     
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  12. JMG
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    JMG

    Nov 6, 2018
    Never is it okay for a girl to have drinks with other guys when in a realtionship. Not the girls fault though. Any guy youre hanging out with is wanting to f--- you. If im having drinks with a girl.. Theres a good chance im f---ing her.. If you arent getting enough attention from him to where u need other guys to make u feel less insecure then u shouldnt be in a realtionship.
     
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  13. attila
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    Nov 6, 2018
    I’d say go hang out with your guys, f--- those guys who are making you feel uncomfortable and your bf letting it continue.
     
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  14. aquaberryares
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    aquaberryares one time I made sex

    Nov 6, 2018
    Yea ur bf is obviously p---- no offense.
    Let me ask u one thing, does he take online quizzes to figure out his own political beliefs? Cus u might be dating @Michael Myers
     
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  15. Mimi
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    Mimi the art of doing nothing

    Nov 6, 2018
    - see on the one hand I understand where he is coming from because I wouldn't necessarily want him hanging out with other chicks that I didn't know. He does hang with colleagues who I think are a 'bad influence' but I do try to live by 'you do you boo'

    - The manager stance I agree with. I do not think it is right to let your female staff (and clients) be harassed, to be witness to it, and be okay with it.


    It's not 100% confirmed but pretty high likelihood that his ex of 8 years cheated on him
    And we kiiiind of discussed it the other night, I brought it up drunkenly which turned intro an argument and him basically telling me I was being childish and the way the locals are is just how it is and to deal with it. ( from what I remember)



    I am not hanging out with guys from work. Because we work together and live together I have tried to carve out a social group separate to the one at work that he socialises with to try to have some separation and independence (my psychs say you need that), so he doesn't know these dudes so I do understand where he is coming from in being cautious about me hanging out with other guys. But... I also feel that if he is is okay with me having to put up with old skeezy dudes then he should be fine with me taking control of my body and countering that with younger local dudes wanting to hang out if I feel comfortable doing that.
     
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  16. Worm
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    Worm Big Perm Big Worm

    Nov 6, 2018
    I think this whole thing would be resolved if you dated @Pizza Hut

    He's no longer a virgin
    He's not the jealous type
    He'll s--- your toes while you watch Netflix
     
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  17. Mimi
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    Mimi the art of doing nothing

    Nov 6, 2018
    Kinda did last night on shift, some younger dude/ in my peer group asked to kiss me while I was on shift, I said he could on my cheek, of course other staff around. But if the harassment is okay form the older creepy dudes then I'll welcome it from younger guys. Cant be discriminating and s--- right?
     
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  18. 6ix9ineWithThe9
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    Nov 6, 2018
    She may as well take his money too lmao
     
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  19. Mimi
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    Mimi the art of doing nothing

    Nov 6, 2018
    I mean, at least he'll come home with pizza every night. Cant argue with that
     
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  20. DKC
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    DKC admin of SXN80, notorious marxist messageboard

    Nov 6, 2018
    I wouldn't fault anyone for being a little wary of their SO hanging out with a new friend of the opposite sex that they'd never met before—but I think there are clear boundaries that anyone in a stable relationship would know to follow.

    Yeah, I had an ex cheat on me so I understand where he's coming from—however at a certain point you need to work through that s--- and learn to let go or you're never going to have a fully trusting relationship with your SO. My (other, non-cheating) ex had male friends she hung out with in groups and one-on-one. I had female friends I hung out with both in groups and one-on-one. Stuff like that was never an issue for us. I think always helps if you meet your SO's new friends at some point, cuz it's not like she was hanging out with a bunch of dudes I'd never met before.

    And oof, yeah, drunken discussions about serious topics can easily turn bad. That's pretty f----- up his response was "just deal with it" imo. I'm far from qualified to give relationship advice (esp to people I've never met irl lol) but I think that's something that's just gonna fester and turn to resentment if it's not dealt with. It's also just...not OK.
     
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